...Even though you really want to.
To recognize this, (Not celebrate. Just recognize. Infertility is never celebrated.) I've decided to bring back an oldie, but a goodie. Or at least, a relevantie. I've updated it for our purposes here.
Much love to all of you going through this <3 i="">3>
In May of 2010, right around my daughter's first birthday, I posted a brief history of her adoption. Minutes later, I panicked. What kind of Pandora's box had I just opened???? I braced myself for the unsolicited advice.
Then I realized I didn't have to accept it. (The advice. Sadly, the infertility is out of my control.) I had a forum. I'd just rebut the comments before they came in. Here's what I had to say:
- Maybe it was your thyroid, that can often lead to infertility. (My
reaction- it was not. That is only true if your levels are off. Mine
are not, they are regulated quite well with medication. It's been
checked. Lots of times. By lots of doctors. But thanks.)
all of the trying and worrying was the problem. (My reaction- it was
not. There is actually NO scientific evidence to support this. None. I
guarantee I have done more research about this than you. But thanks.)
My friend... (fill in the blank with a thousand possible scenarios)...
You should try that. (My reaction, most likely, is "I have." But
- Everything happens for a reason, also known as It's
all in God's Time. (My reaction: I know. No, seriously. I know. Doesn't
make it hurt any less now. But thanks.)
- Now that you've
adopted, you'll probably get pregnant. (You don't want my unedited
reaction to this one. Seriously. But I can tell you that what I hear is
"Now that you've stopped all that trying and worrying, you can have the
baby you really want." Don't want me to have this reaction? Then don't
say it. Thanks.)
So. Two sections. Why We Don't Want Your Advice, and What You Can Do Instead.
Why We Don't Want Your Advice
know you don't mean it, but when you give unsolicited advice to someone
dealing with infertility, it comes with the following implications:
1. You have thought of something she hasn't thought of. This is seriously so very unlikely.
Her difficulties in getting pregnant are somehow linked to her actions.
Not only is this probably not true, but it only adds to the guilt and
shame she is already feeling. I'm sorry to tell you, but this is
especially true of the "Just relax/ don't worry/ stop tryin so hard"
variety of advice. I'm begging you. Don't say it. Ever.
What You Can Do Instead
Aside from avoiding unsolicited advice at all costs? Here are some general ideas:
Don't ask about it. We know you're curious, we know you're thinking
about us. But a) it's kinda none of your business, and even worse b) you
may have caught us in a rare moment when we were not thinking about it.
2. Understand why we might not come to your baby shower. I promise you that we feel worse about it than you do.
If we want to talk about it, let us. But just listen unless we
specifically ask about something. (which we probably will not.)
know it sounds like a lot to ask. It's difficult. Not nearly as
difficult for you as it is for us, but difficult. Just remember to
support us as people first, and try to remind yourself that it's not
your problem to fix