Wednesday, April 10, 2013

I is for Infertility

I know. Just the title makes you uncomfortable. I get it. It makes me kinda uncomfortable too.

And I don't even have a really clear vision for this blog entry. But I know it's important to discuss it.

Actually, that's the vision, I think. The fact that we need to discuss it.

I have a friend who refers to infertility as The Forgotten Pain. People struggle with infertility. And then they get pregnant. (More often than not.) And then they kinda sorta forget what it felt like to live with the pain.

Or they adopt. And they forget.

I would prefer to forget. I really REALLY would like to forget. But there are a few reasons why it lingers with me.

First, I wrote a book about it. (Wanna read it? Think happy thoughts for me. I'll start trying to find an agent soon.) So it's tough to close the door on that chapter of my life. Well, ten chapters really. I continue to revisit and revise our first year of trying to get pregnant. And with each new draft it gets a little easier. And I know it will help a lot of women. But it makes it impossible to forget.

Second, I was "diagnosed" with unexplained infertility. Awesome. Helpful.

In layman's terms (because I know that was some serious medical jargon) the doctors (several doctors) told me "you've never gotten pregnant, and we have no idea why," So technically.... it could still happen. We're not actively "trying" any more (temping, charts, tests, etc.) But it's possible. Although that becomes less likely with each birthday.

Third, our daughter is at an age where she is asking about siblings. Tonight at dinner she actually asked for a sister. She would be a fantastic big sister. But we don't have the money to adopt another child. (We're still working on the money for the first one.) And it's bigger than that, too. Because please. If you are thinking of adopting, there are ways to come up with the money. But frankly, we don't feel called to adopt another child right now. We just don't. At least not yet.

I wish I had something helpful to say to anyone who may be visiting this blog for the first time. I wish I could tell you that you will get pregnant, or that you will be a Mom someday, or that it will all be OK. I wish I could tell you it eventually hurts less.

But I can tell you this. You do learn to cope.

There are a lot of us out there. And if we keep talking to each other, at least we don't have to feel alone.


  1. I love your honesty, Mindy! Can't wait to read your book and look forward to celebrating with you!

  2. Hi Mindy, I just wanted to stop in again and read your post that you mentioned when you stopped by at my blog the other day. Thank you for sharing this. I would LOVE to read your book. My best friend also has been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. It is a painful journey. I wish I could say I understand but I can't. I do want to say that I understand pain and loss. I know we are so different but we also have similarities.. like you mentioned for one the pain, being a mother, having a daughter named Lily, having a daughter who is 4 (mine is a couple of months away yet). I like our similarities except for the pain. I wish you nor I would have had to share that. Keep writing my friend, you are talented and I love reading your posts.

  3. It is so important to keep an open discussion about infertility and the pain it causes. You are brave to write your story down, I truly hope your book will be published. For me, I don't think the pain will ever go away, not even if we do get the chance to parent one day.