Saturday, April 24, 2010

The Ides of March Part 3: The April Fog

People are often shocked when they find out I have depression. I am a generally happy person. I look on the bright side. I was a college cheerleader for goodness sake. And it's true. People with depression tend to have periods of time when they're, well, sad. And it's also true that I have those times. But when my depression is strictly chemically based, the way it is in the spring, it doesn't feel much like sad. It feels more like what I like to call The April Fog. 

In my absolute laymen's perspective, we live in three states of mind:

1- Actively and purposefully thinking about something.

2- Actively engaging with the outside world.

3- Somewhere in between.

While we spend most of our time in the "somewhere in between" state, a healthy person can move between the three states at will. However, when experiencing The April Fog, I am stuck. Stuck right between. It takes such incredible effort to move into actively engaging in anything that I often give up, choosing instead to live underwater- looking at the thoughts and ideas and people that live above the surface, unable to push through to see them clearly.

One of the most frustrating parts of The April Fog is the way it directly opposes my personality. People who know me well describe me as being outgoing, and as being a thinker. Being stuck, then, as neither an extrovert nor introvert, unable to have a truly connected conversation with a friend, unable to gather my thoughts for a blog, unable to follow through on my to-do list, often leads to the sadness that is so often associated with depression. I end up depressed about my depression.

In the past week, several things have happened which have helped me shake off The April Fog.

1- April is almost over, my body is nearly adjusted to the extra sunlight.

2- I have lots of people who are in seriously hard times right now and need my help. It's just not my turn.

3- Momentum Rep is in full swing with our next season. I am doing character study for Squeaky Fromme, learning a score, and planning a fundraising event. Earlier this week I accompanied a cabaret. Since I have so much experience doing these things, I am able to do them on autopilot. But once I have started the task, my consciousness eventually follows, which I am then able to carry into other tasks. Anyone who doesn't think art saves lives probably doesn't know any artistis very well.

So. The April Fog is lifting. Hopefully you'll be hearing from me more often now.

No comments:

Post a Comment