I've had a fairly hectic couple'a weeks, what with all the teaching and the traveling and the planning. I knew yesterday was going to be busy. So Sunday night I went to bed around midnight. This is early-ish for me. And at 3:30, I was still awake, thinking about all the things I had to do. But still, when the alarm went off at 7:00, I was ready. I had my clothes all laid out, and I got in the shower. And at 7:45, I got a text from the babysitter saying she was stuck in insane traffic. I needed to be on the 8:10 train. She arrived at 8:20. It wasn't her fault. It was raining pretty hard, traffic was unusually bad, she was stuck. I sent a text to the lead teacher of the class that started at 9:30, and told her that I would be on the 9:02 train which put me in Larchmont at 9:25. I might make it, but just barely.
And then. The train was late. Maybe it was because of the rain. But it was ten minutes late. I arrived in Larchmont at 9:31, and was about an 8 minute walk from class. And I had no umbrella. No umbrella, no coat, and very little sleep. I walked into class fifteen minutes late and stood, soaking wet, behind my keyboard which had been set up for me. Of course, there were a few songs I hadn't had a chance to review. I was going to go over them when I got there. Because the 8:10 train gets me there at 8:35. But. We know how that worked out.
It was a series of silly, unimportant things that made me a little late for a class for which I have never been late. I seriously doubt that anyone where I teach looks at me as the girl who is late and unprepared. But.
For a really long time- a REALLY long time- all through high school and college and well into my early career- I was the girl who was always late and unprepared. Smart, if she shows up. Talented, if she's even looked at what she's doing.
This is something I've really worked to improve. It's taken some adjusted life skills- laying out my clothes the night before, for example, and keeping a to do list that actually works for me- as well as years of therapy. Because what I really needed to fix was WHY was I always late and unprepared?
And one morning of rain set me back. I was beating myself up the whole way to class. I should have known somehow. I should have looked at all of this music yesterday. I should always carry an umbrella. I should have paid better attention to the weather report. I should have the babysitter arrive an hour earlier so I can be sure to be there on time, no matter what, even though this would be really expensive.
I was eventually able to talk myself out of all the nonsense- largely because I spent the rest of the day working in a productive fashion. But my goodness. We are hard on ourselves, aren't we?
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Mindy I can commiserate with you however after many years of beating myself up and always trying to be the best at everything and everyone I decided that its okay to be late sometimes and its okay to be unprepared. In the grand scheme of life I didn't break the law and I didn't hurt anyone, life goes on with a deep breath. Of course its not good to make things like this a habit but sometimes is okay and when things like that keep you from doing something then its meant to be. You weren't meant to be on the 8:10 train , you weren't meant to walk across a particular street at that exact time. Something held you up for a reason a reason that we will never know but keep in mind that you are breathing and your class was happy to have you there. Keep your chin up and take a deep breath. I love reading your posts by the way. Have you ever considered writing professionally?
ReplyDeleteKasy Wetzel (Valentine)
Thank you so much Kasy! I am about 2/3 of my way through a book about our first year struggling with infertility. I think because some of my closest friends are "real writers" (lots and lots and lots of education in writing, they teach writing, etc...) sometimes I have trouble thinking about writing "professionally." But I really appreciate you saying that, it encourages me to keep working on this book and GET IT FINISHED!
ReplyDeleteRain, in NYC, brings unimaginable chaos. Even on a GOOD day, I find, the rain can bring a mood way down and swing thoughts around in strange ways. So. Late? Sure. Your fault? Nope. Bein' too hard on yourself? Sure. But you were being too hard on yourself because the stupid, horrendous, terrible, NYC rain changes things and makes everything seem so much worse and so much more difficult. (I got caught in it, too.)
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