I was in a pretty crappy mood today. I felt tired, and overwhelmed, and underappreciated, and lonely. Since I have already spoken so much about having depression, it could be easy for someone to write this off as a little "episode." That's one of the many problems with the stigma of depression- people have trouble taking the feelings of a depressed person seriously.
But this was not a depression-related mood today. This was related to real situations, real people. (Now all my friends and family are paranoid. Is it me? While it's hard to put my finger on it exactly, it's fairly safe to say that if you're reading this, it's probably not you.) There are a lot of things that are fatiguing me- emotionally- and it's harder and harder to hold on to my faith and have hope. I'm starting to doubt whether there's a better plan around the corner. Maybe this is the plan, and it's not supposed to get any better.
So, I'm in a crappy mood. So, what? Big deal.
The big deal is this. While it's unhealthy to ignore my moods and push them down, I'm not really in a position to be sour right now. Quite frankly, I serve as a mentor to a lot of people, and I have a lot to do. Not to mention, being negative goes against my nature. And anyway, who wants to be in a bad mood.
And I'm writing this book. I'm writing a book about finding and keeping one's hope in the face of uncertainty.
So. What's a former cheerleader to do?
Keep fighting. Dig down and find that last bit of hope, even if it's way down there. Cliche, I know, but the source of my hope right now is less cliche and, in fact, entirely new for me.
Because there was this time. A time when I wanted one thing more than any other thing in the world. And I prayed, and I cried, and I prayed, and I cried, and I lost hope and I found it again and I gave up and I realized I couldn't give up. For three years. Which, in hindsite isn't very long, but when I was living it, it felt endless. It was the one thing I wanted, the one thing I was certain- at times- that God had no intention of giving me. It is the journey which, in fact, inspired me to write a book.
And this month, May 2010, I celebrate the one year anniversary of the day that journey ended. Because two weeks from today, my daughter turns one.
So I choose to remember that time when I wanted something so badly. When I was certain I would never get it. And for the next few weeks, I'm dedicating my blog to this story. Many of you probably think you know it. And a few of you might. But regardless, I'm hoping to renew my faith in telling it. For me, and maybe for some of you, too.